I WANT MORE CHEESE

I want more cheese

Tortured and frail I lay there in a stain

As my husband bends down

To kiss me with thanks

Once again

I beg him

Please, Please Let’s not do this again

I know I am woman

But this does not feel humane

As he passes me this bundle

I kiss him so gently on his chin

All puffed up and looking ready for life

As my body feels so worn, bloodied and broken in

Here he is another little boy

Number four for me

I am not to see any pink this time

But there are no tears of regret to see

When he finds his first meal in life

He adoringly looks back, so new, so free

He is so perfect in every way

How was I so lucky he was hand picked just for me?

What I can remember of that day is still a blur and a mess

It felt like an eternity

But in reality it was probably 4 hours at best

The pain was unexplainable

And the fear in the midwives beat through my chest

This baby will it ever come out

Will we both meet in this life or the next?

Too tired to sleep through out the night

In the distance I could hear

The screams of some poor girl, in the throws of giving birth

The memories still all to clear

I hold my baby so tightly,

Thanking god that for me it did end

Her night calls keep going on and on

And I shed tears for my sister, when she is not even my friend

In a clap of time

2 years have past

My husband wistfully says

“Don’t you think it’s about time we had a little ruby between us in our bed”?

Ruby was my grandmother’s name

And with each boy I delivered

I prayed and begged,

To pass to a girl her beautiful name

And a necklace old and withered

Could I be so silly?

To do it all again

Time is passing so quickly now

The nappies are about to end

I think some days when I look in the mirror

I could be mistaken for the living dead

Fatigue is just the norm these days

In the car

Cook another meal

Clean the house  

And then back to bed

All of this leaves me with not much time for me

Trying to be a good wife

A mother

A daughter

And friend

The university degree I once started once

May never turn out to be in the end

When I go shopping late at night on my own

In Kmart I walk the isles

Pink dresses and red patent shoes tug at my heart and tell of secret desires

To braid her hair and talk about boys

Put some femininity in the mix

To mould her gently to a fine young girl

 Whist teaching my boys a gentle twist

Cooking days and make up nights

Pink fingers and toes nails

A life so far from my current story

It seems a fairy tale

Don’t get me wrong

I am the luckiest woman in the world

4 strapping lads to love

A broken budgets that seems will never be repaired

And a fridge that on shopping days bring more delight than one can talk of

Endless washing and dishes to be dried

The floor needs vacuuming again

The day does not end till mid night at times

And I wake to start it all again

We banter and yell

 We heckle and hiss

But this big old house of boys brings my life bliss

Who would want more

Than what I’ve got

“Me some times, is that a miss”

In a screaming mess of tears

I find some one to talk too

My arousal levels set so high

I can barely breath myself though

These kids are driving me in sane

My god my teen

Will my reasoning ever come to me again?

In response my council quietly replies…

Don’t worry your job is through

He is 13 now

He sacked you a year ago

Hand him over to his stepfather now

To mould him as he grows

If you’re lucky in a few years

He will want you back again

You will be his consultant and an adult friend

This brings even bigger tears to my eyes

Oh heck how do you ever win?

You give it all

The best you’ve got

And you lose them in the end

It seems hardly fair

When I sacrifice it all

To be old and have to start again

I am sure it would be a good 20 years or more

I would have been putting it all off for the love of them

I guess that’s when the mysterious next phase will come

When I meet the light at the tunnels end

Romantic weekends

And no more casks wine

It will be Bollinger and France in the spring

A life for our selves

Money in the bank

And time to do as we wish

Seems really great but with all that space

I would have so much to miss

The giggles and laughs

The tears of joy

And the bloody mess

It comes down to one thing

I love my job

I am a mum

And this I do this the best

Sharing with a stranger

On the weekend I went to Melbourne with 2 of my children and my husband.  It was a really a nice weekend, in-spite of the fact the football was heart breaking.  It was Rushed as usual, expensive but enjoyable and it makes me feel like we are the lucky ones.

I had made a comment to my husband that we saw far less homeless people this trip than usual, I put that down to the colder weather or perhaps there is some new agency housing all the homeless, but I hazard a guess it was the first option.

We encountered a sad lady who obviously had mental health problems, ranting through the Mc Donald’s windows at people and had no idea of the spectacle she was making of her self… Sadly people just don’t understand this is not her fault and laughing and pointing does not help her, I growled at my son who was about to make fun of her and prompted him to try and sit in her shoes.

On my walk around the centre of the city I came across a girl who had her bed laid out, (which actually looked very snug) but I imagine on a cold night it would barely suffice, she was dirty and she could not make eye contact with people as they walked by.  I stared for a little to long, as something just hit the bottom of my stomach, she had a sign that said “I am homeless please help” and there sat next to the sign a little tray of cheap rings that she was selling. 

I kept looking for a while and just saw people aimlessly walking past her and it never seemed to bother them, they just kept their head up and kept walking, every now and then someone would drop her a coin and keep going.

I walked past 2 or 3 times before I had the courage to stop and talk to her and it was a gift to me that I did, when I bent down and spoke to her, I could see past the dirty clothes and dirty face and saw two very beautiful eyes and sitting beside her was a tiny little dog, that she stroked with great affection. 

As I walked away from her I could not help but feel over whelmed with emotion and tears just streamed down my face, because all I could think was, “but for the grace of god their go I”… with out thinking of this in a religious sentiment, it really is true, some people are truly just a victim of circumstance and end up in the worst place, some times by bad decision's and sometimes through no fault of their own.

But the true thing that touched my heart about this girl was that she too was someone’s daughter, it could be very easy for that to be one of my children one day, sitting and begging for help, god forbid.  It just made me wonder what defining events drew her to take this lonely and dangerous life.   She obviously loved her dog and he looked better fed than she did, with his little coat made out of the same knitted blanket that she had.

I don’t believe in feeling sorry for people, I don’t believe in fixing things for others and I don’t believe in making excuses for people who make bad decisions, but looking at this girl made me see, we are all floored and we are all only a couple of bad decisions away from being in the same position as she was.  It really made me so thankful for my holiday, so thankful I can afford to give my children experiences and a full life that is not just the bare minimum and that I can stay at home and adore my two youngest boys while they are young.  The life of our children is precious and loving them is the best gift you can give them.  Everything else is insignificant, because in the end our self worth is what defines the person we can be and what we will expect for ourselves. 

My husband works really hard at his job and provides us with a life style that is so easy compared to some people, don’t get me wrong we too could just spend all we have every week and have nothing, but good choices about what we do with our money keeps us warm at night and well fed.  It strikes me that even being able to make those choices, what may seem easy to me, is not so easy for others.  

As parents we have an obligation to teach our kids how to budget, how to feed themselves healthily, how to not be to proud to ask for help when it is needed and how to feel empathy for those who have less than us and give when you can… Not only to help others but to feel good about yourself.

So again no “whilst I am loving my family” , I am going to look out side of my world and say, do the best you can in life and have the courage to be a friend to someone that may scare you, there could be a hidden blessing  for you “whilst you are take time out to share with a stranger”.

Sibling Rivalry

I have a very dear friend who dropped in the other day, out of the blue… why was this so special? she live on the other side of the country.

We watched our 3.5-year-olds play… It was really great, because although she has not been gone for a long time, it was enough time to realize how our babies were growing, as before she left they would play in the same room but not together, they were totally inseparable this time and it was dreamy…

As the coffees were being drunken and we were laughing about life, I was watching their younger son, who I think is a little over one,  he wanted to join in…well It was not taken well and a fight broke loose between the two sibling… My friend asked me to write a blog about how to control fighting sibling…

SO HERE I AM…

Now this is where I need to leave a short space free so everyone can send me some advice…

My kids fight continuously; I chose to look at this as a sign of love, like a schoolboy who picks on a girl he likes.  I may have my head stuck in the sand but if I played referee constantly, I would never get any house work done... well less than I currently do anyway.

The three main things are:

NO BULLYING… sibling rivalry is one thing, but name calling and personal attacks are not fair for anyone, god knows we get enough of it in the out side world so home should be safe.  (this does not mean it does not happen in our house, but it is not left un noticed)

BE RESPONSIBLE… if you are the older sibling and what you are doing  will hurt or be unsafe, you are at fault and should be punished… if you are younger sibling and continually decide to play with someone you know is going to do things to hurt you then you are at fault and wont get any sympathy. 

BE CONSISTENT… if the rule is don’t call your brother a Ranga, then don’t let him do it some times and then not others… if the rule is no double bouncing on the trampoline when your younger brother is screaming for his life, then no double bouncing…  inconsistency is the mischievous spirit that breeds excuses for bad behavior in the home.  If kids know the rules, they know the out comes, so there for  cant sook for being in trouble, so are ultimately are in control of their own outcomes.

It is easy to micro manage kids lives, I have friends who’s kids are scared to go into the play ground at school because their parents monitor and watch everything they do to protect and keep them safe (a good thing in moderation)… The fact is, we all need to learn how to stand up for ourselves and how to make choices about our own safety and the people we should and should not play with… Home is the first place we learn these virtues.

I by no means have perfect kids, I spend a fair chunk of my day yelling, there is a lot of time with kids in their bedroom for bad behavior and I too will put my hand up for using the TV as a baby sitter on way too many occasions…

But for all my faults, I have reasonably secure kids, kids who know how to size up risk and if they are willing to take it, then they know there is always a  follow through reaction, be it good or bad… now don’t get me wrong, there will always be people who don’t like my kids, (we all know what that is like, when you don’t take to your friends kids) BUT  as a whole, they are confident to try new things, stand up for themselves in the play ground and usually pick relatively decent friends.

So my thought is that watching your kids every move, fixing their every fight, doing their homework, making excuses, writing a note so they don't have to do PE, all the things we do to make their life easier ( I am not immune from any of these things)… It does not make a role model child. 

Kid's learn how to be responsible for their own actions in our homes… So lets build a future with bright happy confident people and take a step back like Marlin finally did in Nemo… Although he was scared to let Nemo get hurt, he dis empowered him by not letting him take the risks he needed, too be able to learn where his inner strengths lay.  When Marlon finally let go, Nemo was able to reach his full potential and Marlon could be proud of the choices Nemo made based on judgment not fear.

Editing Life!

TO My best friend who endlessly listens to me whine at her, I love her dearly for it…

My thoughts for today are about patience.

We have had our house on the market now for 12 months or more, I feel so frustrated and like I am stuck on hold.  There are a few other things that hinge on the sale of our house and I just feel a bit like I am stuck in a stale mate.  

I tend to live in the future and need to try and live for the now, this is so damb hard, we have just had some bad news of one of my husbands cousins and he is quite sick and although I don’t know him, it brings it back to reality that life is so short.  LIVE FOR THE NOW…

The reality is, that if our house had sold any time in the last year, I am not ready to move anyway, so I truly believe there is a power greater than myself saying “Deanie you don’t need to control this, I will make it happen for you in the right time”, could the last year of my life have been a bit more productive, rather than feeling like I have no control, I could of used the time to feel calm about my present.

When I let it go perhaps it will happen… A new friend said to me yesterday, “write it down and let it go and see what comes of it”…I pondered on that all night, I really don’t know how to let things go, controlling my environment and future is so second nature to me, the art of letting things go is just not really in my character.

I have spent this year trying to find what my soul wants to do with life.  I want life to be REALLY simple.  Cut out all of the expense, glamour, show off, decipher friends that are not friends and really live a life that is simple and full of substance.  My only problem is that as a result of the life I have already built, I have to slowly make the changes and when I am an all or nothing person, this slow transformation is just about killing me….

learning in my in between times that Life has it way not me, no matter how hard I try to make something happen, unless my higher power wills it, it just isn’t going to happen and when I see the snippet of values and the person I want to be, I need to hold onto them and feed them, using my energies to make me the person I want to be for now, not waiting for the future.

Share with my children that buying cars and houses although they are important parts of life are secondary to living … and if I put these things first it can impede or complicate my ability to live now. 

The thought that has stuck in my head all day is “Just because I can, does not mean I should”.

My number 1 boy asked me the other day, "why don’t you have an iphone and why do you chose to keep buying outdated technology and look like a goof"…after having a chuckle to myself, I reminded him that although I could have one if it was meaningful to me, phones hold no meaning to me, so I would rather spend my money on something that brings me substance.

I don’t really think he understood, until I said to him that an iphone would pay for a heck of a lot of his school fees… he then understood. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that people who drive nice cars and have iphones have no substance, because I know a lot of beautiful people who work hard and who have great cars and lovely phones and it add’s value to their life, I am speaking only for myself and what adds value to my life.  Remembering my values will not suit any of my readers they only suite me.

So my quest in this  “in between time” is…

To edit the things in my life that don’t bring me joy

To enhance and protect the thing those that do

And…try to live the experience I see for my future today, to the best of my ability….

Whilst I am loving my family

I can hear in the background my 2 years old, 3.5 years old and the dog having their own version of cricket… the simple things are often the best

How much space will provide comfort!

I heard a quote not so long ago that said, “I don’t look forward to more space, I look forward to needing less,” this touched me.  Currently my family and I are down sizing, we are converting our shed up at our second property into a humble LITTLE home.

We currently live in a roughly 35 sq, tall ceiling home with 4 bedrooms, 2 lounge rooms, formal dinning and rumpus room… oh and did I forget a big pool… Your probably thinking   “ is she crazy”… When my husband and I brought this house we thought it was going to be the home that we stayed in our whole lives, have a big family with lots of space and room to move.

Don’t get me wrong, our house is lovely, it has served us well and will serve a new owner well… It has brought us great memories of living in a great street, we have shared our neibours children and they have shared ours, the school is walking distance and the walls speak many of stories of nerf wars in the big rooms, hide and seek in the dark and many pool parties that were noisy and boozy…

We do intend on building a new house on our block, but not for quite some time.  We don’t know if we are going to have another child or if we will wait till we retire and build when kids leave home.  But we know that it is where we want to be for quite some time.  But our needs for today will be different to our need for tomorrow.

Our shed conversion is small, all council approved and legit… but small… the 4 boys will share and room and play space and we will only have 1 lounge room.  For us this will be a big change, but one I am yearning for… We are joining the Tiny Home trend.  We can’t fit in a “genuine” tiny home but for us, it is tiny.

Our reason for this life style choice is space.  As my children grow, it would be easy to grow further apart, so my hope is it will draw us closer together when we are united by close walls, financially we estimate to cut our out goings by at least a 3^rd and finally at least ½ our house does not get used. It is a wasted space for us, but another family who will use the space should and use it well.

4 Boys in one room, what am I thinking…I have come up with a design that will share space but give each person their own little nook, this I believe will teach my children the importance of boundaries and how to live with others harmoniously, BAHAHAHA I laughed as I typed that, so I thought I should let you know that I do genuinely hope this, but realize there a strong possibility that it wont work.  I hope it does not turn out a disaster,  but if I don’t try I will never know.

My dream at this current time is to waste less money on power and rates and have more money to go on family holidays.  We can rent a Mc Mansion for a weekend if we like, or as my friend does, go on a holiday in a caravan that will make our tiny home feel bigger when we return.

How much stuff do we really need to fill us up, currently we are spread over such a massive space and use barely use any of it, I have a utensil for everything, this makes a lot of washing up, I have a good lounge and a play lounge, this makes for a lot of vacuuming, I have a spare guest room, it gets slept in for about a week a year, so heating it is basically pointless.

I am not saying life will be beer and skittles with the 6 of us and perhaps 7 if we go for our little Ruby.  But I feel good about the prospect of living a greener life that is less wasteful and getting out side more with the kids, rather than pushing them into the back room of the house thinking they need more time on their own.

I will post again 6 months after we have live in our shed, I will of either A.  Already have the plans for the Mc Mansion being built or will have settled into our new little life.  The kids are all on board with the dream, my husband is eager and I am daily orchestrating what it will take for the massive change. 

We have planted our orchard, planning our gardens and have a little hobby farm with goats, alpaca and sheep… with lambs on the way, this is a far cry from the life style I ever thought I wanted, but as I get older and life gets more complex, I seem to have a desire to find quieter things to softly fulfil  my passage through life.

Our current lifestyle is one where children are entertained by TV, X Box,  psp and phones, I want to teach my children that simplicity is an important virtue and hope the hills they cart down and trees they climb in, on weekends now,  will bring a new daily life that that  brings them fond memories as an adult and also a bit of Vitamin D in their technology "off" time.

We have our critics don’t worry and I really hope we prove them wrong.   We are not doing what the conventional big family do, by up sizing to fit us all in, but I feel really good about it, like we are making a conscious decision about our future and heading in a direction that will help us to achieve it.  I dream of holidays that will give us experiences that our big house currently does not provide us, only time will tell how it pans out “but I am definitely loving my big family”. 

Messages from the soul

I read a book recently that said something to the effect of;

Follow your heart, it is essential to listen to it’s messages, these messages are your souls desire, they communicate to you what you are meant to be doing, if you don’t follow these messages you will inevitably be straying from your life’s path.  If you don’t listen to these messages negativity constricts the flow of grace into your life, causing pain and emotional starvation.

That is exactly how I have been feeling.  I know for those reader who don’t think like me it sounds cooky, please just read on…

I will go back a few month, to December last year, my excellent University results flashed on the screen before me and tears were streaming tears down my face.  My mother walked in and found me inconsolable and was terrified that something serious had happened… I calmed down enough to mutter, “ it was so hard mum, and I cant do that again”…

I cry thinking about that moment now, because it was then that I gave up my only dream that I had for me….  I was studying Environmental Design with the hope of becoming an architect.

The New Year came and semester 1 started and I travelled to Launceston with my travel partner, as we had done at least once a week for the last two years.  She enquired on why I had seemed so unmotivated and said she was worried by my face book updates if I was going to give up…  All of sudden it was there, the truth had surfaced, I explained to her I just did not know what to do, I was so tired after working so hard last year I knew I could not do that to myself again. 

We made a commitment to each other that we would stick out this semester; she had just become pregnant and was taking second semester of anyway… We travelled again and I knew I could not do it.  My first assignment came in, one that was not hard but I could not focus and just felt I was floundering…

I am very fortunate to have some wonderful support networks in my life, one in particular that I can trust with anything, he steers me in the right path when I need guidance and his values in life are similar to mine, so he can speak to me on the same spiritual path…

He has been my counselor for many years and to be honest I had not been to see him about myself for a few years, I think he was rather shocked to see me in such a state, I explained to him that I know if this is my only problem in life, how lucky am I that life is so great… 

I cried to him saying that I knew my children were suffering because of my commitments in life, in fact my whole life was suffering and as much as I wanted it, I knew life had to change.  He told me not to make light of my problem; it indeed was a hard place to be to give up something you love, knowing it is the right thing to do, he also asked me to ask myself why was it so important to me.

When I look at the defining moments in my life one of the biggies was a teacher in high school telling me I would never make it to University.  And the whole reason I enrolled in Uni was to prove to her and to my self that I was worthy of degree…

I went away from his office knowing what I had to do… I could no longer go to a school so far away with 4 children and a husband needing me, I softened the blow by telling myself, “this is my sacrifice as a mother for my children”.  The truth was that as much as I wanted it, I did not want it at that cost.

I came home and pack up my pencils, advertised my drawing table and pushed my tears down, I would no longer dream of such things again….  My heart was broken and it was for me something I could not explain with out feeling I had failed.

As the next couple of months rolled on, I enrolled in an online degree studying Literature and writing, I was eager for it to start but I was not on fire about it.  I am two weeks into it and to honest the fire is out, there is not even an ember inside of me burning… I keep saying to myself it will pick up, you love writing and it will assist that… but the truth is I gave away my only dream… No one else can give me dreams or make them happen only me and I broke my own heart.

I am in the midst of self-contemplation because doing a Uni degree that your heart is not in, Is not only expensive, hard work and pointless, it will be murder to find the motivation.  I would be better to invest my time in my children for the next couple of years, it wont take long and they will all be at school and then my days are my own.

So I am trying to trust myself, that my dream is real, to keep it alive with short courses that are industry related or even perhaps try and find a small job in Design Company in admin… dreams that are worth having usually take a long time to come to fruition…

My mentor who is an architect and has no children told me once, it has taken him a process of his whole career to become fully qualified, so if it took him that long with no children then maybe I am being hard on myself to think I can do it all at once now. 

I pulled my pencils out yesterday, I have been scribbling and drawing and I can’t keep my thoughts on anything but my current design  (a bed) and I know that is where my heart wants me to be… My dream is alive again and with that I know I am being true to my life’s path.

I have decided that even with out a degree I am designer, not everyone find his or her gift but if you do every time you deny it, it depletes you a little bit at time.  This blog has no “whilst I am loving my family, ” today I am going to say, Life is a journey and mine seems to change from week to week but if I am trying to get it right, surely it doesn’t matter if I back track and do circles  “whilst I am following my heart”…

27 years of wasted worry...

I woke up not so long ago with such a stressed feeling, something I have felt so many times it has sadly become natural for me to feel this way.  I knew something had to change.

About 18 months ago I found a book called Potatoes not Prozac, this was literally life changing for me… It is another weight loss program amongst many that I have tried had success and then failed yet again.  Now don’t get me wrong this time it was different, this book made me aware of something really important, I have an extreme sugar addiction.  I became really focused on an extreme sugar free life style and for 6 months I felt wonderful… It was for the first time in a long time, I was feeling mentally on top of things.  And there were so many stories on the news to collaborate how I was feeling.   

For example:  I wondered some days how I ended up with 4 children, when all I do is yell.  I realized that at 4 pm when the kids get home from school, I am yelling because at 2pm I had a big feed of sweet tea and fruit cake, I was crashing, but when I changed my snack to a sugar free one and added some complex carbohydrates to get me through to dinner, our house was like a different place between 4 and 7 pm… NO MORE YELLIING!!!

How simple was that.  And don’t mistake me, I don’t mean to replace sugar with artificial sweeteners; they have the same effect and the added bonus is they give you all sorts of other medical worries.

6 Months later we went on a holiday to Melbourne with the kids where I gave in to sugar (my favorite waffle place in Melbourne Central), the smell of that place is literally to hard for me to walk on by.  The rush was divine, but soon after I wanted more, what happened then became apparent to me that my addiction had taken hold of me.

It did not matter how much knowledge I have of food, diet’s, calories, sugar, even the horrible withdrawals I knew I would have, I was powerless to stop eating it again… I would go a few days’ even hours some times and my mind was back to thinking of what I would eat next.

In my state of ignorance before I knew of my sugar addiction I was obsessed with my weight but it was different, once I knew what my problem was and then could not fix it, it was depressing, all the knowledge in the world was not helping, it made it worse, the answers were so simple “Just cut a simple thing out and you will be fine”…

I felt such a failure; I had no will power to even be able to do something as simple as that.

Finally I went to the doctor, where I sat and cried out of sheer frustration and pain, “I feel such a failure” I explained, “for 27 years I have been aware of my weight or my body obsessions and it is literally driving me insane, I cant possibly take another day of being so self absorbed and consumed by me”.

Anyway, she looked at me with her big gentle eyes and she said “we can fix this”, I knew by the way she spoke, she truly meant it and I guess a problem shared is a problem halved, I just felt the world was lifted of my shoulders.

She began to tell me about a program called the John Gabriel method, she explained it is guilt free and with some counseling and a few simple steps your life could be changed.  I was so ready to jump on board, I think if she suggested for me to eat my toenail clippings for a month I would of, I just knew I needed help…

Anyway she prescribed a few simple things like Fish oil, stomach enzymes and a pro biotic. She explained this would get things started before the book arrived and my counseling began. 

I went to see the counselor 2 weeks later, she did a little probing and we both realized I was highly stressed and I realized stress manifests it’s self in different ways.  I was not depressed but I was totally on edge with life.  She explained about the John Gabriel Method, which she herself had used with success and on my drive home I knew I needed the book and the meditation cd as soon as possible.

I started that night; I felt Corny… It was something I had never done before meditating and even though I felt relaxed I was not properly into it… I had also made a conscious decision to turn of the TV in our bedroom that day and it has not been turned on since.

In this Meditation he says you may start to notice things only days after… I can honestly say I felt it 2 days later. I can’t explain to you what it is I feel. You can’t see it on the out side and I don’t know where it is in my body.  But I am different. 

I am visualizing the time I want to wake up, and I do with no alarm!  I am visualizing reading textbooks, and I am!  And I don’t like to read.   After weeks of visualizing and meditation for 20 minutes before I sleep, my dreams are vivid, my sleep is deep and I feel so refreshed when I wake, I cant ever remember feeling like this since I was a child.

I have been reading the John Gabriel Method book, which comes also on an audiotape if reading is not for you.  The book nearly brought me to tears; the things he says made SO much sense.  I guess the proof will be in the pudding, I may never actually lose weight, but you know I have not worried about what I have eaten in weeks, I ALMOST... feel beautiful the way I am and that is a massive enough change for me to be able to just say that.

The big rule is not to weigh yourself, not to diet, you need to add in live fresh food and protein in each meal, even if you eat it with ice cream and to take some supplements, to give your body back the nutrients that dieting has stripped it of for so many years.  Also the meditation… HOW SIMPLE IS THIS…

So guys I guess I will write another blog in a few months if there is any change, but today… My weight is insignificant to me, I feel great and I just want to keep meditating and reading what he has to say.  To anyone reading this blog who has worried about his or her own weight, I suggest you read the book, you may not lose weight (but most people I know who have done this program have) but you will feel revitalized and fresh ready to go…

This week I am visualizing "taking my kids to play group", something I have never done, so even if this program give me the energy to be a better mum and it gets me out of the house with the kids, it will have been a great tool “whilst I am loving my family”…

Just on a funny note:  In the back ground I can hear my 13 year old yelling at his 3 year old brother for something…  He says “you stupid little girl”… my 3 years calls back in a very professional but perplexed manner “I am not a girl, I don’t have a gina I got a willy”… maybe you had to be there lol…

The hard ones!

Parenting never comes with out hard decisions…

What a traumatic weekend my husband, my extended family and I have just had…

When the doctors placed my lovely little boy in my hands, I smiled with all my heart AND… shortly after begged my husband never to let me doing it again.  At that time I would never have envisaged the hard decisions we would be making for him.

Recently my baby has been diagnosed with a disorder that is not fatal but still quite traumatic for him… it was time to make decisions about weather to sit idly and see how things panned out or to be proactive in our actions regarding treatment.

All I wanted was for someone to give me a definite answer on what to do and where ever I looked I just found questions… I am not an expert and as much I sought clarification and explanation from medical professionals, I just wanted the decisions to be made by them.

My god the weight of the world was on my shoulders… How do I find the right answers, People say to me “listen to you heart”, what the heck does that mean, all my heart yearns for is a healthy child who does not need to have any of this going on.

The search to find what my heart wanted was a strange affair to say the least… I guess to some people who take the time to reflect daily or have a deeper awareness of themselves, it might not be so hard, but for me I just kept going back to my original desire for my child to have a good life with out any complications… I could not get past those thoughts to find a decision that my heart knew was right.

Finally the decision to begin a medication trial was made, 2 years that could turn out to be 3, 4 or 5 years dependant on his progress…The medication has been used for a lot of years, there should be no other major side effects that we were not made aware of, but when your putting these chemicals into a tiny little human who’s only thoughts are about trust in you to look after him, it's really tough.

My husband said to me last night, “weather our decision is right or wrong, it is made with good intension and with what knowledge we have today”, words that brought tears of relief to my eyes… because as a parent at times I feel I am floundering in a sea that is dark and murky… like I am alone and with out any knowledge of what to do next. 

Although the benefits of having my children totally out way any of the scary bits by a mile, I really have to be clear with myself, “that I am doing this with good intension’s” and “I know only what I learn daily and cant predict any future events or outcomes”. 

So with good advise, parenting books and support available to me through various avenues, the hard decisions will always be there to be made, but as long as I know I have my hearts in the right place and my priorities set correctly that is really the best I can do  … It is a learning process daily.

So what is today’s story about?

It is about giving myself a break… taking account of all the good things I do that turn out GREAT, reflecting on the things I do with good intension that may not turn out as well as I thought and learning lessons and implementing the knowledge.  

Just in my heart knowing the person I am… good willed, honest and always, to my own detriment at times, trying to do better. 

As they say “parenting does not come with a hand book”, so I am thinking seeing as there is no guild lines to what is right and wrong, I can forgive my self for a few faux pas along the way “whilst I am loving my family”.

Tools to follow your dreams

High School was merely there to aid my social life.  I found it to be a real inconvenience at the times.  My parents sent me to an expensive school, it was small so provided lots of cherished moments with teachers, I had lots of friends and the school really provided me with great educational opportunities.

But I just was not in a space to learn, I look back now and wonder if there was anything my parents could of done to encourage more from me, I don’t think there was,  things could have been different today If I had applied myself then, as my rather low pass mark when I left school has been a disappointment to me ever since. I have still had good jobs, gained entry into university as an adult, but it has meant I always felt a little unworthy.

Today’s question is “how do I motivate my son to do the best he can at school”, he is a smart kids, this does not always reflect in his school report because he is also always looking for the easier way to get things done (I will take the blame and surrender that he gets this from me)

I have thought of financial benefits to keep him motivated, he wants a new computer so I have told him for every A or good mark where I can see he has applied himself, he will get a financial compensation, I remember in high school some kids were getting 10 bucks an exams for a pass, now that was a lot of money 20 years ago… and my mum thought cuddles were going to cut the mustard…Or should I be letting him learn through his own experiences that if you don’t apply yourself then it may not be so fun when you don’t get into the university you want.

I am a true believer in education but I also believe that some education facilities squash creativity.   For a really good listen go to this TED web site and listen to Sir Ken Robinson who very poignantly explains how school kill creativity… it is well worth the laugh, a riveting 20 minutes that kept me smiling all the way through.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY

Although I went to a good school, I was not always shown how to find where my potential lay, I believe the school could see it, they obviously had confidence in me, sending me on an exchange programs and putting me in leadership roles, but the actual part of creating an environment where I wanted to achieve seemed to be lacking for me.

I had a couple of great teachers  Mrs. Robinson, my English teacher still leaves me with a warm feeling and Mrs. Miles, no warm feelings there, she was very strict but my god she taught me well and the things I have remembered for life…

We have recently lost our school principal at the school my number 2 boy goes to… He is a dedicated leader and a truly gifted educator, how often in our education system do we end up with people like that, I wonder some times if there should be some sort of program for budding teachers, like doctors, where you do testing to see if you have the personal traits required to be a great teacher…

Teachers play such a big role in our kids lives and in many instances they spend far more awake hours with our children than we do…. And the sad part about that is, I only really only speak to my son’s teachers if there is a problem. 

My eldest son loves school, so getting him up of a morning is never an issue, in fact I don’t get up, he is out the door by 7.15am and I don’t even hear a peep.  It is his place of social learning; just like it was for me, so inspiring him to take the education as equally serious as the social life is really hard?

I certainly don’t have any answers for this post and if you have any please leave feed back.  He is the first of my boys, so by number four I should or perhaps I hope I will have it right.   Time seems to be flashing by and at 13 it is only another 5 years till I will be packing him up to move to the mainland for university… So this means to me I only have a small amount of time left to impact him in his choices before I let him go out into the big wide world to fend for himself…

My thoughts for today were to lead by example; I cant force him to be dedicated to his studies, but I can show him I am dedicated to his study and help him each night or as often as I can, I cant expect him to be an "A" student but I can show acknowledgment and pride when ever there is effort and improvement and lastly I will encourage his dreams and weather they waver daily or are stead fast, you have to have dreams to think life is worth living, I am dreamer, people might see it as futile, but it is the essence of wanting greater things in life that keep me wanting more…

A high school certificate will not make him a better man; it won’t show him about generosity or how to be a worthwhile member of society.  But it may give him an extra ability to follow his dreams, so IF investing now will make his future easier I am all for the venture and who knows, it may make me feel I am doing something right in these puzzling times I call parenting and help me know I am doing my best “whilst I am loving my family”.

The simple things are often the best!

I have always been a person who has required external validation to feel good about the decisions I make.  Weather the validation came from my mum, my husband or my friends… It occurred to me earlier this year that although this is normal it is exhausting always wondering what other people think.

It is funny how this blog came along, it is quite possibly the least amount of external validation I have received from doing something, but I have gained the most personal validation from it… That may sound strange, but I soon came to realize I love writing, it makes me feel good and I feel like I am good at it… the hardest part about that is, when blogging it isn’t unusual to get minimal amounts feed back, you don't get a High Distinction or a pass mark and you are left with your own thoughts about it,  which can be awkward for someone like me who likes that confirmation.

The process of this blog has made me learn to self confirm my own skill of writing and endorse my own opinion of my blog and not relying on the opinions of my readers to validate if my blog is good enough to keep writing.  This is easier said than done at times and for those who think it is not, I challenge you to sit and really think about your opinions of yourself and the things you do and why you chose to think them and do them. (tricky sentence to get your head around I know)…

Personal validation is great, I wish I found it sooner, so far the moments of accomplishment last longer, not losing their shine based on what I am worrying other people are thinking. I will always require external validation, it is a part of me and my make up and it shows I care about others and their opinions and it would seem a little narcissistic if I never sought it out, but learning to trust that what I am writing is good and worthwhile has been a great lesson and like all good feelings I want more of it.

Today I am not going to end with “whilst I am loving my family” I am going to end in something else, it is my goal to find more things in life that encourage that feeling of self worth and self-validation.  I want to find validation in the small things I do daily, strive not to be a super mum but to feel super because I am a mum and to know although as a women in this day and age, I can have “it” all, it is ok to feel good about yourself even if you don’t want “it” all.  Like the saying says “ the simple things in life are often the best” and it seems that they might be much easier to achieve.

Lucky is not a word to use or take lightly...

I was at the hospital yesterday, where my 18-month-old son was having an MRI.   It occurred to me just how lucky we are.  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to minimalise the fear I have that our situation might turn out bad, but ultimately we are just so lucky.

We have these great doctors, all be it they have to work in a bit of a brummy looking hospital, but the anaesthetist nearly put me to sleep with his totally calm nature, the nurses were a delight to deal with and you would of thought they spent 4 years training to be my personal waitress, but they loved their job and you could see it.

No doctors wanted to consult after the MRI so I am taking that as good news.  It was more to rule out problems than to diagnose one, so we were pretty confident all would be fine.

I have heard a few saddening stories lately about really sick kids; I honestly am not sure how I would cope.  I guess I would just get on to the job at hand, most mums and dads are self less and don’t take time out to feel self pity when there kids are sick.

I remember when my number 3 was born and he ended up in ICU, that was the week where I think my head was the best screwed on to my shoulders ever… Everything seemed very clear and I knew exactly what I had to do.  4 Hourly rotations of expressing milk and baby wipe downs, touch time and then a little sleep (if my brain could switch of).  My caesarean scar never once hurt me, even though I had to walk up a hill to get the hospital, I just felt the situation was controlled. (that is the best word I can think of to explain it)…

When all was ok and we came home, in fact not even that long, the minute he was in the ambulance being transported back to Devonport and I drove in the car just a few in front of the ambulance, the tears started to roll and I cried all the way from Hobart to Devonport.  The immediate danger was over and I never felt so out of control, I knew now the fear of what it would feel like to lose him. 

Currently as I type, he is in the room next to me, he is watching ABC kids2 (awesome channel) and he is singing, “painting a picture”… I think how lucky am I.  I don’t like the word lucky, it usually implies when it is said  “wow aren’t you lucky”, that a person did not work for what they have, it is not lucky someone brought a new car, it was bloody hard work that got it and that new house, your not lucky to have it, it is hard work that got it… or a lot of hard work to pay it off… No luck involved at all.

But I am truly lucky to have my 4 healthy kids.   When I got pregnant each time I was so excited and it was such an adventure, but the real truth is, the minute I fell pregnant I stood to lose it all. 

I and most people I know invest so deeply in our children and it takes no effort at all to love them, even when I feel I don’t like them on some days…  some of  us end up un scathed by birth and some get a raw deal, some have a perfect birth but get the raw deal down that track.  And then there is me and many, many others like me, I have had my ups and downs as far as health goes with my boys but on a whole, I am just so lucky… The cards played in my favour and that was just down to luck.

I don’t like to think that god had me in hand and blessed me specially, because then that implies he/she what ever you believe in, did not have the same blessing for others whose path may not have gone so well… But I know there was a hand holding mine when it was tough and I needed to be stronger than ever.

Today I am just going to be grateful that all my kids have their health, I can’t control the future and how it will play out, but for today they are good.  I can how ever guarantee there will be heart breaking moments and most Saturdays mornings will be just like last Saturday, where I yell all morning about jobs that need to be done, I will feel like I am the only mother in the world who is still in her PJ’s at 2, and when my best friend comes to visit the house will still look like a tip (the list goes on)…

But for today, I am going to take this nostalgic feeling, before next Saturday morning comes about and run with it… Because many people around me, seem to have some pretty tough stuff to deal with and at this point in time, I am lucky to be able to just relax and enjoy my time “whilst I am loving my family”.

The difference between a good doctor and a GREAT doctor.

For quite a few years now I have had chronic pain that has been unlabeled and it can be really quite horrible and puts stress on all facets of my life.

Today’s blog is about how we deserve to take the time out for ourselves to find a great doctor that works for us.   So many people just keep seeing the same doctor just because they always have.   I guess to some degree I have 2 doctors.

 (which is a bit naughty but works well for me)

1.     I have a Medical practitioner I see if I have a cold and need an antibiotic, it does not take long to get in (if your lucky) and they usually have an answer for those things you need to deal with quickly.

3.     Then I have my Medical Practitioner I see when I need help with the bigger things.  She runs a private practice, so her waiting room is never full, there is only me, this gives me the time to really explain and she has the time to really listen.  With out that daunting feeling of a full impatient waiting room that is getting angrier by the minute.  I see her for all of  the things that need more than just a quick fix and are important to me.

Today in Australia there is such a shortage of Great doctors, NO I will re phrase that, in my opinion we have such great doctors but there appointment books are so full they don’t get the time to spend with you to be as great as they can be….

Most people are lucky to find 1 doctor that can be available to them, let alone like myself who has 2 who I can usually see with in a months at a time.  They are both kept in the “loop” so to speak so there is no secrets.

My life’s experience has been so much better since finding a great doctor, one who takes the time to listen, test and to find alternative results that might be a bit out of the ball park. 

My experience is that I never complain if my doctor is running late, that usually means he/she is giving a patient the time they need, which will usually mean they will give me the time I need.  Great doctors need time to make big differences in sick peoples lives.

Whether you are at home looking after the kids or at work paying the bills for your families needs, your health, be it mind body or soul, is paramount to a great functioning life.

So my thought for today is how grateful I am to have great doctors at my call.    Suffering in silence or crying in pain is not good for anyone, I need support in this life and it took some time to find a system that works for me, but now I have it makes life much easier “whilst I am loving my family”.

Good things come in small packages

I have been trying to write a blog all day and it was not coming easily, so the decision was made not to write one today.  Just as I let it go, I got a knock at the door... It was a very special friend, she greeted me with her usual big smile and a "Haaalllo"...a women who is such a little package but brings with her such big delight.

Earlier I had been writing about how some relationships can be toxic and a waste of energy.   The whole blog seemed really negative and  I decided to scrap the story as it was not what I want this space to be about.

It dawned on me when my little friend left, our relationship was the type of relationship I need to invest in, one that invigorates me and makes me want to be a better and happier version of myself... One that although I dont seek her validation, I just get it, her genuine understanding of my story and her eagerness to listen, her ability to never understate my accomplishments but to understand the struggle it took to get there.  Our friendship has seen many stages and phases and  has many stories that will see us old and laughing.

Now don't get me wrong, some people might think I am talking fairy tales here, because lets face it, I don't feel like that about a lot of people I interact with and I think this is why they say you can usually count your real friend on one hand.  If I am honest I can count them on half a hand and I feel genuinely lucky to be able to do that...

My thought was, if I stopped investing my energy into some of the more toxic relationships and started investing my energy into relationships that increase my powers to feel good, surely that would make me a better person, if I am a better person to myself then I can also be a better mother and wife for my family and a better friend to my friends.

So with out sounding like some corny half version of doctor phil versus star Wars I am going to...

"train myself to let go of everything I fear to lose"...(modified star wars quote that I love)...

Now read that statement again... because it will mean something different to differnt people, but for me it means to let go of the friendships that although I know are toxic I am still frightened to lose.  In doing this it may make me a better version of myself in my journey of life "whilst I am loving my Family"...

"We just know what we know"

It is funny how we just know what we know….

My two eldest boys are from a previous marriage, (that is a whole blog on its own)… when my now husband and I decided to have children together he was a little worried that our new children would think my ex husband was their father too.  

(Are you finding this hard to follow?? Stick with me I am making a point)…

I consoled my husband by saying, “don’t be so bloody stupid”…

I come from a very complex family, 3 half brothers on one side and a half brother and sister on the other… with a couple of step brothers and a sister somewhere in there too…

Now as young as I can remember, I never once thought, “Are my siblings parents my parents”… I just knew what I knew, that they were my siblings, nothing more nothing less.

My 3 year old son knows the older boys go to this persons house each other weekend and then they come home… he is smart enough to adapt a name for his father recognising my older boys don’t refer to him as dad.  His big brothers call him Adam and I call him dad, so at 3 he decided his dads name was Dadam…

It dawned on me the other day, those of us who are blessed with step parents, brothers and sister of half, step, fostered, adopted or of ring in nature, are really showing intelligence and lateral thinking at an early stage in life…

Most grown adults cant understand my family structure, but at 3 my son gets it fine, you have to wonder if it is adults who complicate things by trying to simplify stuff because we under estimate our kids level of understanding.

My husband has a bad habit of saying “bloody women drivers”, it's a little joke betweens him and I, but over the years, these little ears have listened to it and now any close calls on the road or frustration they instantly say ‘women drivers” missing out the "bloody" because they are smart enough to know they will get in trouble for swearing, but thinking its the truth that women are bloody terrible drivers…

The moral of this story is… Kids are bloody smart, and they don’t question what they see as anything other than normal.  Which is a lot of responsibility but also great… We mould these little people and they don’t question anything… Your truth is their truth and they will always believe your lies…

So my thought for today is how can I better the belief system for my children by being a smarter parent at times…and how can I empower my children by not making so many excuses for their bad behaviour, when in reality they are smart enough to know exactly what they are doing.  Tough love and self-reflection are hard jobs at times but that is my goal for this week “whilst I am loving my family”