Tuesday, 29 May 2012

The hard ones!

Parenting never comes with out hard decisions…

What a traumatic weekend my husband, my extended family and I have just had…

When the doctors placed my lovely little boy in my hands, I smiled with all my heart AND… shortly after begged my husband never to let me doing it again.  At that time I would never have envisaged the hard decisions we would be making for him.

Recently my baby has been diagnosed with a disorder that is not fatal but still quite traumatic for him… it was time to make decisions about weather to sit idly and see how things panned out or to be proactive in our actions regarding treatment.

All I wanted was for someone to give me a definite answer on what to do and where ever I looked I just found questions… I am not an expert and as much I sought clarification and explanation from medical professionals, I just wanted the decisions to be made by them.

My god the weight of the world was on my shoulders… How do I find the right answers, People say to me “listen to you heart”, what the heck does that mean, all my heart yearns for is a healthy child who does not need to have any of this going on.

The search to find what my heart wanted was a strange affair to say the least… I guess to some people who take the time to reflect daily or have a deeper awareness of themselves, it might not be so hard, but for me I just kept going back to my original desire for my child to have a good life with out any complications… I could not get past those thoughts to find a decision that my heart knew was right.

Finally the decision to begin a medication trial was made, 2 years that could turn out to be 3, 4 or 5 years dependant on his progress…The medication has been used for a lot of years, there should be no other major side effects that we were not made aware of, but when your putting these chemicals into a tiny little human who’s only thoughts are about trust in you to look after him, it's really tough.

My husband said to me last night, “weather our decision is right or wrong, it is made with good intension and with what knowledge we have today”, words that brought tears of relief to my eyes… because as a parent at times I feel I am floundering in a sea that is dark and murky… like I am alone and with out any knowledge of what to do next. 

Although the benefits of having my children totally out way any of the scary bits by a mile, I really have to be clear with myself, “that I am doing this with good intension’s” and “I know only what I learn daily and cant predict any future events or outcomes”. 

So with good advise, parenting books and support available to me through various avenues, the hard decisions will always be there to be made, but as long as I know I have my hearts in the right place and my priorities set correctly that is really the best I can do  … It is a learning process daily.

So what is today’s story about?

It is about giving myself a break… taking account of all the good things I do that turn out GREAT, reflecting on the things I do with good intension that may not turn out as well as I thought and learning lessons and implementing the knowledge.  

Just in my heart knowing the person I am… good willed, honest and always, to my own detriment at times, trying to do better. 

As they say “parenting does not come with a hand book”, so I am thinking seeing as there is no guild lines to what is right and wrong, I can forgive my self for a few faux pas along the way “whilst I am loving my family”.

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