27 years of wasted worry...

I woke up not so long ago with such a stressed feeling, something I have felt so many times it has sadly become natural for me to feel this way.  I knew something had to change.

About 18 months ago I found a book called Potatoes not Prozac, this was literally life changing for me… It is another weight loss program amongst many that I have tried had success and then failed yet again.  Now don’t get me wrong this time it was different, this book made me aware of something really important, I have an extreme sugar addiction.  I became really focused on an extreme sugar free life style and for 6 months I felt wonderful… It was for the first time in a long time, I was feeling mentally on top of things.  And there were so many stories on the news to collaborate how I was feeling.   

For example:  I wondered some days how I ended up with 4 children, when all I do is yell.  I realized that at 4 pm when the kids get home from school, I am yelling because at 2pm I had a big feed of sweet tea and fruit cake, I was crashing, but when I changed my snack to a sugar free one and added some complex carbohydrates to get me through to dinner, our house was like a different place between 4 and 7 pm… NO MORE YELLIING!!!

How simple was that.  And don’t mistake me, I don’t mean to replace sugar with artificial sweeteners; they have the same effect and the added bonus is they give you all sorts of other medical worries.

6 Months later we went on a holiday to Melbourne with the kids where I gave in to sugar (my favorite waffle place in Melbourne Central), the smell of that place is literally to hard for me to walk on by.  The rush was divine, but soon after I wanted more, what happened then became apparent to me that my addiction had taken hold of me.

It did not matter how much knowledge I have of food, diet’s, calories, sugar, even the horrible withdrawals I knew I would have, I was powerless to stop eating it again… I would go a few days’ even hours some times and my mind was back to thinking of what I would eat next.

In my state of ignorance before I knew of my sugar addiction I was obsessed with my weight but it was different, once I knew what my problem was and then could not fix it, it was depressing, all the knowledge in the world was not helping, it made it worse, the answers were so simple “Just cut a simple thing out and you will be fine”…

I felt such a failure; I had no will power to even be able to do something as simple as that.

Finally I went to the doctor, where I sat and cried out of sheer frustration and pain, “I feel such a failure” I explained, “for 27 years I have been aware of my weight or my body obsessions and it is literally driving me insane, I cant possibly take another day of being so self absorbed and consumed by me”.

Anyway, she looked at me with her big gentle eyes and she said “we can fix this”, I knew by the way she spoke, she truly meant it and I guess a problem shared is a problem halved, I just felt the world was lifted of my shoulders.

She began to tell me about a program called the John Gabriel method, she explained it is guilt free and with some counseling and a few simple steps your life could be changed.  I was so ready to jump on board, I think if she suggested for me to eat my toenail clippings for a month I would of, I just knew I needed help…

Anyway she prescribed a few simple things like Fish oil, stomach enzymes and a pro biotic. She explained this would get things started before the book arrived and my counseling began. 

I went to see the counselor 2 weeks later, she did a little probing and we both realized I was highly stressed and I realized stress manifests it’s self in different ways.  I was not depressed but I was totally on edge with life.  She explained about the John Gabriel Method, which she herself had used with success and on my drive home I knew I needed the book and the meditation cd as soon as possible.

I started that night; I felt Corny… It was something I had never done before meditating and even though I felt relaxed I was not properly into it… I had also made a conscious decision to turn of the TV in our bedroom that day and it has not been turned on since.

In this Meditation he says you may start to notice things only days after… I can honestly say I felt it 2 days later. I can’t explain to you what it is I feel. You can’t see it on the out side and I don’t know where it is in my body.  But I am different. 

I am visualizing the time I want to wake up, and I do with no alarm!  I am visualizing reading textbooks, and I am!  And I don’t like to read.   After weeks of visualizing and meditation for 20 minutes before I sleep, my dreams are vivid, my sleep is deep and I feel so refreshed when I wake, I cant ever remember feeling like this since I was a child.

I have been reading the John Gabriel Method book, which comes also on an audiotape if reading is not for you.  The book nearly brought me to tears; the things he says made SO much sense.  I guess the proof will be in the pudding, I may never actually lose weight, but you know I have not worried about what I have eaten in weeks, I ALMOST... feel beautiful the way I am and that is a massive enough change for me to be able to just say that.

The big rule is not to weigh yourself, not to diet, you need to add in live fresh food and protein in each meal, even if you eat it with ice cream and to take some supplements, to give your body back the nutrients that dieting has stripped it of for so many years.  Also the meditation… HOW SIMPLE IS THIS…

So guys I guess I will write another blog in a few months if there is any change, but today… My weight is insignificant to me, I feel great and I just want to keep meditating and reading what he has to say.  To anyone reading this blog who has worried about his or her own weight, I suggest you read the book, you may not lose weight (but most people I know who have done this program have) but you will feel revitalized and fresh ready to go…

This week I am visualizing "taking my kids to play group", something I have never done, so even if this program give me the energy to be a better mum and it gets me out of the house with the kids, it will have been a great tool “whilst I am loving my family”…

Just on a funny note:  In the back ground I can hear my 13 year old yelling at his 3 year old brother for something…  He says “you stupid little girl”… my 3 years calls back in a very professional but perplexed manner “I am not a girl, I don’t have a gina I got a willy”… maybe you had to be there lol…

The hard ones!

Parenting never comes with out hard decisions…

What a traumatic weekend my husband, my extended family and I have just had…

When the doctors placed my lovely little boy in my hands, I smiled with all my heart AND… shortly after begged my husband never to let me doing it again.  At that time I would never have envisaged the hard decisions we would be making for him.

Recently my baby has been diagnosed with a disorder that is not fatal but still quite traumatic for him… it was time to make decisions about weather to sit idly and see how things panned out or to be proactive in our actions regarding treatment.

All I wanted was for someone to give me a definite answer on what to do and where ever I looked I just found questions… I am not an expert and as much I sought clarification and explanation from medical professionals, I just wanted the decisions to be made by them.

My god the weight of the world was on my shoulders… How do I find the right answers, People say to me “listen to you heart”, what the heck does that mean, all my heart yearns for is a healthy child who does not need to have any of this going on.

The search to find what my heart wanted was a strange affair to say the least… I guess to some people who take the time to reflect daily or have a deeper awareness of themselves, it might not be so hard, but for me I just kept going back to my original desire for my child to have a good life with out any complications… I could not get past those thoughts to find a decision that my heart knew was right.

Finally the decision to begin a medication trial was made, 2 years that could turn out to be 3, 4 or 5 years dependant on his progress…The medication has been used for a lot of years, there should be no other major side effects that we were not made aware of, but when your putting these chemicals into a tiny little human who’s only thoughts are about trust in you to look after him, it's really tough.

My husband said to me last night, “weather our decision is right or wrong, it is made with good intension and with what knowledge we have today”, words that brought tears of relief to my eyes… because as a parent at times I feel I am floundering in a sea that is dark and murky… like I am alone and with out any knowledge of what to do next. 

Although the benefits of having my children totally out way any of the scary bits by a mile, I really have to be clear with myself, “that I am doing this with good intension’s” and “I know only what I learn daily and cant predict any future events or outcomes”. 

So with good advise, parenting books and support available to me through various avenues, the hard decisions will always be there to be made, but as long as I know I have my hearts in the right place and my priorities set correctly that is really the best I can do  … It is a learning process daily.

So what is today’s story about?

It is about giving myself a break… taking account of all the good things I do that turn out GREAT, reflecting on the things I do with good intension that may not turn out as well as I thought and learning lessons and implementing the knowledge.  

Just in my heart knowing the person I am… good willed, honest and always, to my own detriment at times, trying to do better. 

As they say “parenting does not come with a hand book”, so I am thinking seeing as there is no guild lines to what is right and wrong, I can forgive my self for a few faux pas along the way “whilst I am loving my family”.

Tools to follow your dreams

High School was merely there to aid my social life.  I found it to be a real inconvenience at the times.  My parents sent me to an expensive school, it was small so provided lots of cherished moments with teachers, I had lots of friends and the school really provided me with great educational opportunities.

But I just was not in a space to learn, I look back now and wonder if there was anything my parents could of done to encourage more from me, I don’t think there was,  things could have been different today If I had applied myself then, as my rather low pass mark when I left school has been a disappointment to me ever since. I have still had good jobs, gained entry into university as an adult, but it has meant I always felt a little unworthy.

Today’s question is “how do I motivate my son to do the best he can at school”, he is a smart kids, this does not always reflect in his school report because he is also always looking for the easier way to get things done (I will take the blame and surrender that he gets this from me)

I have thought of financial benefits to keep him motivated, he wants a new computer so I have told him for every A or good mark where I can see he has applied himself, he will get a financial compensation, I remember in high school some kids were getting 10 bucks an exams for a pass, now that was a lot of money 20 years ago… and my mum thought cuddles were going to cut the mustard…Or should I be letting him learn through his own experiences that if you don’t apply yourself then it may not be so fun when you don’t get into the university you want.

I am a true believer in education but I also believe that some education facilities squash creativity.   For a really good listen go to this TED web site and listen to Sir Ken Robinson who very poignantly explains how school kill creativity… it is well worth the laugh, a riveting 20 minutes that kept me smiling all the way through.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY

Although I went to a good school, I was not always shown how to find where my potential lay, I believe the school could see it, they obviously had confidence in me, sending me on an exchange programs and putting me in leadership roles, but the actual part of creating an environment where I wanted to achieve seemed to be lacking for me.

I had a couple of great teachers  Mrs. Robinson, my English teacher still leaves me with a warm feeling and Mrs. Miles, no warm feelings there, she was very strict but my god she taught me well and the things I have remembered for life…

We have recently lost our school principal at the school my number 2 boy goes to… He is a dedicated leader and a truly gifted educator, how often in our education system do we end up with people like that, I wonder some times if there should be some sort of program for budding teachers, like doctors, where you do testing to see if you have the personal traits required to be a great teacher…

Teachers play such a big role in our kids lives and in many instances they spend far more awake hours with our children than we do…. And the sad part about that is, I only really only speak to my son’s teachers if there is a problem. 

My eldest son loves school, so getting him up of a morning is never an issue, in fact I don’t get up, he is out the door by 7.15am and I don’t even hear a peep.  It is his place of social learning; just like it was for me, so inspiring him to take the education as equally serious as the social life is really hard?

I certainly don’t have any answers for this post and if you have any please leave feed back.  He is the first of my boys, so by number four I should or perhaps I hope I will have it right.   Time seems to be flashing by and at 13 it is only another 5 years till I will be packing him up to move to the mainland for university… So this means to me I only have a small amount of time left to impact him in his choices before I let him go out into the big wide world to fend for himself…

My thoughts for today were to lead by example; I cant force him to be dedicated to his studies, but I can show him I am dedicated to his study and help him each night or as often as I can, I cant expect him to be an "A" student but I can show acknowledgment and pride when ever there is effort and improvement and lastly I will encourage his dreams and weather they waver daily or are stead fast, you have to have dreams to think life is worth living, I am dreamer, people might see it as futile, but it is the essence of wanting greater things in life that keep me wanting more…

A high school certificate will not make him a better man; it won’t show him about generosity or how to be a worthwhile member of society.  But it may give him an extra ability to follow his dreams, so IF investing now will make his future easier I am all for the venture and who knows, it may make me feel I am doing something right in these puzzling times I call parenting and help me know I am doing my best “whilst I am loving my family”.

The simple things are often the best!

I have always been a person who has required external validation to feel good about the decisions I make.  Weather the validation came from my mum, my husband or my friends… It occurred to me earlier this year that although this is normal it is exhausting always wondering what other people think.

It is funny how this blog came along, it is quite possibly the least amount of external validation I have received from doing something, but I have gained the most personal validation from it… That may sound strange, but I soon came to realize I love writing, it makes me feel good and I feel like I am good at it… the hardest part about that is, when blogging it isn’t unusual to get minimal amounts feed back, you don't get a High Distinction or a pass mark and you are left with your own thoughts about it,  which can be awkward for someone like me who likes that confirmation.

The process of this blog has made me learn to self confirm my own skill of writing and endorse my own opinion of my blog and not relying on the opinions of my readers to validate if my blog is good enough to keep writing.  This is easier said than done at times and for those who think it is not, I challenge you to sit and really think about your opinions of yourself and the things you do and why you chose to think them and do them. (tricky sentence to get your head around I know)…

Personal validation is great, I wish I found it sooner, so far the moments of accomplishment last longer, not losing their shine based on what I am worrying other people are thinking. I will always require external validation, it is a part of me and my make up and it shows I care about others and their opinions and it would seem a little narcissistic if I never sought it out, but learning to trust that what I am writing is good and worthwhile has been a great lesson and like all good feelings I want more of it.

Today I am not going to end with “whilst I am loving my family” I am going to end in something else, it is my goal to find more things in life that encourage that feeling of self worth and self-validation.  I want to find validation in the small things I do daily, strive not to be a super mum but to feel super because I am a mum and to know although as a women in this day and age, I can have “it” all, it is ok to feel good about yourself even if you don’t want “it” all.  Like the saying says “ the simple things in life are often the best” and it seems that they might be much easier to achieve.