Wednesday, 10 October 2012


I want more cheese

Tortured and frail I lay there in a stain
As my husband bends down
To kiss me with thanks
Once again
I beg him
Please, Please Let’s not do this again
I know I am woman
But this does not feel humane

As he passes me this bundle
I kiss him so gently on his chin
All puffed up and looking ready for life
As my body feels so worn, bloodied and broken in

Here he is another little boy
Number four for me
I am not to see any pink this time
But there are no tears of regret to see
When he finds his first meal in life
He adoringly looks back, so new, so free
He is so perfect in every way
How was I so lucky he was hand picked just for me?

What I can remember of that day is still a blur and a mess
It felt like an eternity
But in reality it was probably 4 hours at best
The pain was unexplainable
And the fear in the midwives beat through my chest
This baby will it ever come out
Will we both meet in this life or the next?

Too tired to sleep through out the night
In the distance I could hear
The screams of some poor girl, in the throws of giving birth
The memories still all to clear
I hold my baby so tightly,
Thanking god that for me it did end
Her night calls keep going on and on
And I shed tears for my sister, when she is not even my friend

In a clap of time
2 years have past
My husband wistfully says

“Don’t you think it’s about time we had a little ruby between us in our bed”?

Ruby was my grandmother’s name
And with each boy I delivered
I prayed and begged,
To pass to a girl her beautiful name
And a necklace old and withered

Could I be so silly?
To do it all again
Time is passing so quickly now
The nappies are about to end

I think some days when I look in the mirror
I could be mistaken for the living dead
Fatigue is just the norm these days
In the car
Cook another meal
Clean the house  
And then back to bed

All of this leaves me with not much time for me
Trying to be a good wife
A mother
A daughter
And friend
The university degree I once started once
May never turn out to be in the end

When I go shopping late at night on my own
In Kmart I walk the isles
Pink dresses and red patent shoes tug at my heart and tell of secret desires
To braid her hair and talk about boys
Put some femininity in the mix
To mould her gently to a fine young girl
 Whist teaching my boys a gentle twist
Cooking days and make up nights
Pink fingers and toes nails
A life so far from my current story
It seems a fairy tale

Don’t get me wrong
I am the luckiest woman in the world
4 strapping lads to love
A broken budgets that seems will never be repaired
And a fridge that on shopping days bring more delight than one can talk of

Endless washing and dishes to be dried
The floor needs vacuuming again
The day does not end till mid night at times
And I wake to start it all again
We banter and yell
 We heckle and hiss
But this big old house of boys brings my life bliss
Who would want more
Than what I’ve got

“Me some times, is that a miss”

In a screaming mess of tears
I find some one to talk too
My arousal levels set so high
I can barely breath myself though
These kids are driving me in sane
My god my teen
Will my reasoning ever come to me again?

In response my council quietly replies…

Don’t worry your job is through
He is 13 now
He sacked you a year ago
Hand him over to his stepfather now
To mould him as he grows
If you’re lucky in a few years
He will want you back again
You will be his consultant and an adult friend

This brings even bigger tears to my eyes
Oh heck how do you ever win?
You give it all
The best you’ve got
And you lose them in the end

It seems hardly fair
When I sacrifice it all
To be old and have to start again
I am sure it would be a good 20 years or more
I would have been putting it all off for the love of them

I guess that’s when the mysterious next phase will come
When I meet the light at the tunnels end
Romantic weekends
And no more casks wine
It will be Bollinger and France in the spring

A life for our selves
Money in the bank
And time to do as we wish
Seems really great but with all that space
I would have so much to miss
The giggles and laughs
The tears of joy
And the bloody mess
It comes down to one thing
I love my job
I am a mum
And this I do this the best

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