Messages from the soul

I read a book recently that said something to the effect of;

Follow your heart, it is essential to listen to it’s messages, these messages are your souls desire, they communicate to you what you are meant to be doing, if you don’t follow these messages you will inevitably be straying from your life’s path.  If you don’t listen to these messages negativity constricts the flow of grace into your life, causing pain and emotional starvation.

That is exactly how I have been feeling.  I know for those reader who don’t think like me it sounds cooky, please just read on…

I will go back a few month, to December last year, my excellent University results flashed on the screen before me and tears were streaming tears down my face.  My mother walked in and found me inconsolable and was terrified that something serious had happened… I calmed down enough to mutter, “ it was so hard mum, and I cant do that again”…

I cry thinking about that moment now, because it was then that I gave up my only dream that I had for me….  I was studying Environmental Design with the hope of becoming an architect.

The New Year came and semester 1 started and I travelled to Launceston with my travel partner, as we had done at least once a week for the last two years.  She enquired on why I had seemed so unmotivated and said she was worried by my face book updates if I was going to give up…  All of sudden it was there, the truth had surfaced, I explained to her I just did not know what to do, I was so tired after working so hard last year I knew I could not do that to myself again. 

We made a commitment to each other that we would stick out this semester; she had just become pregnant and was taking second semester of anyway… We travelled again and I knew I could not do it.  My first assignment came in, one that was not hard but I could not focus and just felt I was floundering…

I am very fortunate to have some wonderful support networks in my life, one in particular that I can trust with anything, he steers me in the right path when I need guidance and his values in life are similar to mine, so he can speak to me on the same spiritual path…

He has been my counselor for many years and to be honest I had not been to see him about myself for a few years, I think he was rather shocked to see me in such a state, I explained to him that I know if this is my only problem in life, how lucky am I that life is so great… 

I cried to him saying that I knew my children were suffering because of my commitments in life, in fact my whole life was suffering and as much as I wanted it, I knew life had to change.  He told me not to make light of my problem; it indeed was a hard place to be to give up something you love, knowing it is the right thing to do, he also asked me to ask myself why was it so important to me.

When I look at the defining moments in my life one of the biggies was a teacher in high school telling me I would never make it to University.  And the whole reason I enrolled in Uni was to prove to her and to my self that I was worthy of degree…

I went away from his office knowing what I had to do… I could no longer go to a school so far away with 4 children and a husband needing me, I softened the blow by telling myself, “this is my sacrifice as a mother for my children”.  The truth was that as much as I wanted it, I did not want it at that cost.

I came home and pack up my pencils, advertised my drawing table and pushed my tears down, I would no longer dream of such things again….  My heart was broken and it was for me something I could not explain with out feeling I had failed.

As the next couple of months rolled on, I enrolled in an online degree studying Literature and writing, I was eager for it to start but I was not on fire about it.  I am two weeks into it and to honest the fire is out, there is not even an ember inside of me burning… I keep saying to myself it will pick up, you love writing and it will assist that… but the truth is I gave away my only dream… No one else can give me dreams or make them happen only me and I broke my own heart.

I am in the midst of self-contemplation because doing a Uni degree that your heart is not in, Is not only expensive, hard work and pointless, it will be murder to find the motivation.  I would be better to invest my time in my children for the next couple of years, it wont take long and they will all be at school and then my days are my own.

So I am trying to trust myself, that my dream is real, to keep it alive with short courses that are industry related or even perhaps try and find a small job in Design Company in admin… dreams that are worth having usually take a long time to come to fruition…

My mentor who is an architect and has no children told me once, it has taken him a process of his whole career to become fully qualified, so if it took him that long with no children then maybe I am being hard on myself to think I can do it all at once now. 

I pulled my pencils out yesterday, I have been scribbling and drawing and I can’t keep my thoughts on anything but my current design  (a bed) and I know that is where my heart wants me to be… My dream is alive again and with that I know I am being true to my life’s path.

I have decided that even with out a degree I am designer, not everyone find his or her gift but if you do every time you deny it, it depletes you a little bit at time.  This blog has no “whilst I am loving my family, ” today I am going to say, Life is a journey and mine seems to change from week to week but if I am trying to get it right, surely it doesn’t matter if I back track and do circles  “whilst I am following my heart”…